David LaForce

Chicago Area

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate books on tape for refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I woo people with my godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I can cook thirty-five minute brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Cubs and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.  When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang-gliding and on Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and ruthless bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don’t perspire, children trust me and I bat 400. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes and last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy, I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket and I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining from that evening.  I sleep once a week and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a  group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams and the laws of Physics do not apply to me. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.